When im travelling i often find myself staring into the distance and blanking out. Its a great way to relax but it’s also when anything can pop into your head. 

Sometimes i catch myself watching a rerun of what was the worse day in my professional life. I will watch as a former version of me is busy going live with a project, watch them call my name out, get angry, stand up and declare to the whole office how bad of a developer i am.  How the office will go silent. How the project manager  tries to take control of the situation and calm them down. How the air in the office starts to sufferacte me.. Yet im still there going live with a project – because hot fixes require 200% concentration. 

Its been ages since it happened to me. When i look  at how far I’ve come since then, i know im better, i know i was in the right. I know i have the right to be upset but non of that makes any of it  better. 

I never did get an apology of them. I know their sibling was going through cancer but as much as i want to excuse their behaviour, do they realise what that one day, that one incidient has done? Probably not. They get to live their life as of nothing happen. I get to have days which turn into weeks where my confidence goes into the red and i sit wondering why did i become a developer in the first place.  

I learnt very early on that emotions were easy to manage when you transfer the energy into some external source. For some things that’s what self harming is. These days the choice of weapon isnt a knife, but rather a keyboard. Trolls, being smart assy with people you have never met, its all part of it. Sometimes i take to twitter  to just vent. I dont want you to fuss over me. I know me, ultimately ill be fine. But for today the world can screw  itself.  

Please if you hate your job, dont take it out on your colleagues,strangers on the Internet or just  people in general. Instead, quit your job and take it out on yourself. No one deserves to be a punchbag for anyone other than themselves. 

There is always a choice – the choices might not be choices you like but everything you do you choose to do. So don’t go blaming other people for your own issues. 

We have our own issues to deal with.